| Joke Name |
• Jack Coen: Truth Be Known
If the truth be known, I don't hit my children because I really don't think I could hit them a little. |
• Jim Gaffigan: Big Family Burn Out
Parents get burned out in big families. You can even see it in the naming of children. It's always, like, the first kid: 'You were named after Grandma'; the seventh kid: 'You were named after a sandwich I had. I loved that. Now, get your brother Reuben.' |
• Tom Rhodes: Always the Negative Side
In America, all you ever get is the negative side of drinking: 'He got drunk and killed a busload of children.' Come on, man. It's time someone pointed out the good in alcohol. Drinking creates conversation, right? You gotta call people the next day and apologize to 'em. |
• Gilbert Gottfried: Mother Teresa's Miracle
I always felt bad for Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa lived a whole life helping starving children and dying villages, but she could never be declared a saint 'cause she never actually performed a miracle. And it was towards the end, she was... |
• Jackie Kashian: Video Games
It's true that there are plenty of video games tiny children should not play. I am a grown up lady, and I need to shoot sh*t. |
• Jeff Stilson: Naming the Baby
It's very stressful becoming a parent. You know what was really hard for me? Coming up with names for our children. I panic when I have to name a new document on my computer. Damn, everybody uses 'miscellaneous.' |
• David Feldman: Parents' Responsibility
It's the parents' responsibility to sit your children down and teach them shame of their bodies. |
• David Feldman: Greatest Weapon Against Teen Pregnancy
Our greatest weapon against teen pregnancy is instilling in our children a sense of self-loathing because we have an epidemic of young Americans who see their naked bodies and don't know it's the work of Satan. |
• Wayne Federman: New Yorker Children
I was at the Broadway Deli, eating. I saw this little kid turn to his mom and go, 'No, I don't want milk with the cookie. I'd rather f**king choke on it and die.' |
• Clinton Jackson: Japanese Mother, Black Father
The interesting thing about our mix -- being that I'm black and she's Japanese -- people say, 'Y'all are gonna have some beautiful children.' I guess. It could be, or they could just have short legs and long arms. |
• Clinton Jackson: Considering Children
I'd be the only dad keeping his kids home from school to teach me how to get to the next level on a video game. |
• Vanessa Hollingshead: No Adopted Children
I know there are a lot of wonderful adopted children, but they're not on the Jerry Springer show, OK? And that's the show that I watch. |
• Bob Oschack: Defending Your Children Against Your Friends
Sure, she may be a little lacking in conversation skills, but that's OK. Unlike you, she doesn't need to explain why she still wets herself, then falls asleep on our floor. |
• Jimmy Carr: God's Children
If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus? |
• Lynne Koplitz: Manhattan Children
Manhattan children are like weird, uppity little pod children. Did you ever notice that? They're like a little too sophisticated, a little snotty. My friend had me babysit one of her kids. It was, like, a little six-year-old, I guess -- I don't... |
• Lynne Koplitz: Well-Adjusted Responsibilities
My sister actually told me that it was my responsibility as a well-adjusted member of society to have children. Is that crazy? I told her, 'I'm not well adjusted. I'm on Vicodin when I visit you.' It's good I told her 'cause now I don't have to babysit her kids when they're in town. |
• Megan Mooney: My Father's Rude Friend
I'm just hanging out, minding my own business. He yells from across the room something he thinks is funny. He's like, 'What's the matter, Megan? You don't have any children because your husband's got a low sperm count?'... I was like, 'I don't know -- doesn't taste like it.' |
• Josh Sneed: Children's Food Toys
You can't blame the kids for what they weigh 'cause you have to look at the toys they have. My little cousin owns a Chuck E. Cheese Pizza Oven. Now, I wish that was a joke, but that's true. In eight minutes, in his bedroom, he'll get you a meat... |
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